Your bumbling correspondant is aware that over the last few weeks he’s promised this and that to those of them what he knows, in the form of YouTube videos. This evening he hit upon an idea - instead of emailing the links, why not just post them? Genius. He’ll go far, that one. But before he does go too far, here are some of the links to start things off - fee free to add your own in the Comments section. Hell, feel free to comment, even.

For Al: We’ve all seen the great Star Wars Titles as done by Saul Bass clip. Excellent stuff. But how about the Dr Who titles done in the style of Hustle? Nice!

For Dave: Courtesy of Jamas, here’s the Daddy of all them Existential Questions put about by the cast of Doctor Who over the years. No McGann, sadly, but I bet the actor himself may have well asked the same question at the time, y’know, in his head. While acting.

For my beloved Candy- I mean, for Al again, here’s a fan-made (no, wait! Come back!) video about the Time War. Oh sit down. You’ll be fine if you don’t click on any of his other ones.

You want sophistication? Too bad.

And finally from me, Only Fools and Horses improves Arc of Infinity no end.

How about you? Watcha got?

EARTH DOESN’T EXPLODE, UN SEC GEN THANKS TORCHWOOD
No? Well, maybe in six months, given it’s off-line for the moment. It’s bound to happen.
Good old Torchwood Cardiff.

MCGANN NOT RETURNING
Everybody get back to your work. Sigh.

COME BACK, RETURN OF THE CYBERMEN!
Spoilers for Christmas. Or not. Obviously it was a big dilemma for RTD regarding whether to finsh the over-length Journey’s End on the now de rigeur ‘what-what-what’ spot and undermine the fanw sadness with a teaser for the next ka-rayzey yuletide romp. So a trailer, without the story title proper was made. Now we know the title, have an idea of what the story’s likely to be based on about, and we’ve even got a picture of the removed scene. But are we any happier? Eh? I ask you.

OH GREAT, NOW HE’LL GET TO DO THAT ALONS-Y THING ALL OVER AGAIN…
Is Russell T Ovey, aka Midshipman Frame in the frame to play the Doctor? A clue: no.
Still, sells newspapers, right guys?

LEAVE SYLVESTER ALONE!I
It must be a very slow day in the Tolkien sandpit when they all start talking about a ten year old story added to a year-old even and make an insta-theory. Add to that speculation based on twenty-year old photos (ooh - he does look like Ian Holm! In Ghostlight) and you get the same sort of high hoping that gave us all McGann conniptions last month? Will the next Hobbit movie have a Syl-bo as its lead? A clue… no.

TARDIS MONEYBANK BAFFLES BLOGGER
by the blogger.

The TARDIS Moneybank is sheer genius fun. I’d have loved one when I were a kid but microchips were still the size of houses back then, and I’ve had never have filled the money box with the cash I had. Eee we were poor.

Anyway, for all the Martha-rasping, top-lamp flashing, cash-injecting Vwoorp-vwoorp action you can muster, this’ll do. And it’s to scale with those knock-off figures you got from the warehouse - at last, a home for Space Pig and Chip! but there are problems with bits of it, and I’m not just talking about how the sample of the Doctor sounds like he’s saying the machine stands for ‘Time And Relative Dimensions In Spayn’ (the wag) like this…

Rose? She’s in there too?

You think I’m going to bit the top of my money box? What, am I trying to get in to find Rose or something? I give up!

AND FINALLY…
Some people thought ‘Handlebars’ was a doff too far, apparently. Davies Master Plan? Phssh. What would Brian Boitano do? (hat tip: Dave)

On the cover of the latest DWM Catherine Tate is quoted as saying “Could Donna come back? In sci-fi, anything is possible”, and with the rumours buzzing around now about next year’s specials, you could quite easily believe that anything indeed could be possible. Even something as familiar and, well, as expected as just that.

I may not be alone in thinking last series’ return of Rose Tyler a pretty unnecesary distraction, prompting a resolution to a story arc that we’d likely all thought was already neatly finished, for better or worse. As one discussion thread on Tolkein fan site Theonering.net about the forthcoming Hobbit movie/s suggests, many reunions and familiar faces end up making universes once bursting with potential smaller with each return visit - the Star Wars prequels may be a case in point. So with Who I think there’s a fine path to be treaded. It might be a winner with the present audience (and that may be the bottom line for the show’s producers), but it’s not helping the ‘go-anywhere-do-anything’ promise the original series was built on, and which the new series’ first episode reaffirmed. New things, new faces, new places are as vital to the series as the changing of the lead actor- they’re all in themselves mini-regenerations. That said, there’s always room for some personal double-standarding, so with the buzz of this week’s rumour still in my ears, may I say to no-one’s surprise that this character’s return would be most welcome.  

But it’s also a certaintly in life that not everyone gets a certain return ticket, and your faithful editor is no different. Over the last year ZeusBlog has farewelled Jono, original co-editor of Zeus Plug, and now I feel it’s my turn to say “goodbye… soonish”. There’s a world beyond the blog that offers a chance to flex my sketching muscles a little more, spring and summer will inevtiably demand the DIY routine, and as some of you already know, there’s the issue of a third family member’s arrival in January to address, all going well. 

So it’s not quite goodbye from me, but ZeusBlog is likely to be a quieter place in the months to come, especially with no new episodes to review or further monstrous matches to contest. Fast Return will stick around - it writes itself. And then there’s the Christmas Special. And after that? Well, anything’s possible, isn’t it?

THAT’S NO MICROBE…
Scoop.co.nz reveal their colours once more in another feature filler. Bless.

TAKING THE MICKEY OUT OF TORCHWOOD?
Not so long ago was the time we were sure we’d see both Smith and Jones in the Hub for Torchwood 3 - the closing minutes of Journey’s End seemed to confirm the rumour. But what’s this? No inclusions among the cast announcement for Children of the Damn- er , I mean Earth? Noel Clarke declaring the Mickster has left the building? Oh noes! What next - Freemaagyeman.com binging us down to Earth?

TORCHWOOD RADIO PLAY TO DESTROY ALL OF CREATION
Not that we’ll be around to worry about such casting pecadillos by the time the radio play is aired. Thanks to a complete fluke of timing and some hadron collider thing in Switzerland (picture courtesy of our graphics department), there’s a s-l-i-g-h-t chance we might not be around to hear the ending.*

(*unless that is the intended ending)

LOST HARTNELL STORY FOUND!
It took a while - perhaps not as long as The Lion to appear on our shores, but yes, The Time Meddler is finally in NZ. In abundance! Grab your copy… well, anytime you like, really.

THERE IS NO CONSPIRACY! ™
Eagle-eyed (and therefore weird-looking) readers have alighted on the internetical publishing of TSV 59 and within its entrails, the Greatest Show fanalytical treatise A Carnival of Metaphors writ in large (type) by a friend of this blog. But what’s this? Expurgated text? Rumours of last-minute editorial intervention? What gave? Er, to be honest he can’t remember - it was probably nothing, really! Paul?

DAVIES RUSTYPLAN SET TO MUSIC?
We think so.

And…

PARROT APES MUTANT, VANISHES LIKE DODO, REAPPEARS LIKE COELOCANTH.
Let’s hear  it for Leonard, the recently-recovered African Grey Parrot - he can mimic Daleks! Wow. Very cool if it’s a big Dalek voice like the Emperor. Dalek Caan? Not so much.

IT’S JUDOON!

Yes, those stroppy coppers with the canny scanners definitely got the better of the Silurians in the final round, claiming a tarnished gold, and saving their reputation with it. Bronze went to the winner of the actual final bout between overall losers, the Krotons, who snatched victory from the claws of ignominy by a gnat’s whisker. And so to the outright losers - the plonkers of the universe…

Terileptils - what happened?

Once the proud standard-bearers of Season Nineteen, destroyers of the sonic screwdriver (oh, how we wish you could do that again!), undone by a race once thought designed by a child and only given some weight by Mad Larry Miles.  In the end it came down to firepower, and perhaps Thad’s campaigning - but for whatever reason, those tinclavic miners go back to the pits, embodying their workplace in their Death Zone performance. Cheer up, guys. Perhaps you can have another go with Robot Rumble. How about it, folks?

It’s here! The final round to determine BOTH the best of the losers of the original Monster Mash, and the ultimate loser - the weakest, most fan-forsaken monster in the Death Zone. Without further ado let’s go to the Aggro-Dome and meet them:

Vying for Best of the Worst: JUDOON versus SILURIANS
Both teams didn’t get off to a great start, with the Sycorax pulling their blood magic and the Rutans being electric jellyfish respectively, but second time may prove the charm for one team today. So, bereft of giant dinosaurs and body-scanning technology it comes down to a quick-draw of blasters versus head thingies!

Vying for Worst of the Worst:

As Jamas says, the Krotons were probably always going to be here, whether they deserved to be or not. The question would be who would they face? Last night the bout between Vervoids and Terileptils ended in a draw - panic! Someone had to lose to meet the crystalline menace. Our touch-judge (right) said ‘Vervoids’. But then Foo arrived with a late vote - and it’s Terileptils!

So: scintillating silica-based scientists versus terribly technical terileptils it is. Neither are particularly manoeuvrable - who wins then?

Okay so. Only four teams remain in either the Upper or Lower field, leaving two bouts apiece to get us closer to determining simultaneously who is the better team of the losing pack, and which team is the outright plonker of them all. Let’s deal to the Upper field first, and its not-so rubbish combatants:

UPPER FIELD

Location: The Slough
Two teams trudge their way through the mire of this round - ancient Earth Reptiles the Silurians and the swimmers of the blood seas, the Haemovores. Man’s earliest nightmare meets his ultimate destiny. Will the future vampires find cold blood to their taste, or will the racial convictions of the Lizard Kings be enough to repel the horrors of the deep? At right, an uninvolved spectator.

Location: The Great Wall
There’s little the Krillitanes could gain genetically from beating the Slitheen last round apart from a zip-top head and occasional flatulence, so their Tetrap-donated advantages still apply. Their opponents this round however are the mighty martial Judoon and their flesh-disintegrating blasters. Who wins?  Don’t ask the Gastropod at left, it’d blow his heart, and his mind.

And those are the Upper Field’s teams! Now to the real contenders for the loser’s crown…

LOWER FIELD

Location: The Concrete Jungle
The losers of round three assemble for another flappy fight, and the first two of the four are parallel universe were-men the Primords and silicon IQ-vores the Krotons. Watch and marvel as unarmed beast-men rumble with teetering metal petrol bowsers with frontal cannons. Our watchful Jacondan touch-judge at right thinks the Primords have it in the bag - is he on the money, or just a bird-brain?

Location: The Thermal Baths
As steam wafts about this final battleground of the round, two teams emerge from the mist. The Vervoids are for the most part silent, only the rustling of their leaves and the occasional squeak of trainers gives them away. The Terileptils are also in their element, with small laser arms and hunting knives, their history as mining slaves means they’ll not shrink from rough and ready brawling. It’s cat and mouse in the hothouse, and only this Pipe Person (at left) thinks he knows who’ll walk away from this bout, and the ignominy of the Lower Field…

Place your bets, and let the best worst teams win!

Ookaay… to borrow the phrase that last year’s big trend made popular, it’s Business Time.
All sixteen teams from Rounds One and Two have re-entered the bout and are now in two divisions. Upper division consists of the winners to date, and lower division needs no further explanation. Also, Round Three is Joker Round, so there may be some surprises in this week’s bouts. Let’s see how they shape up:

UPPER DIVISION
Silurians versus Macra (Location: The Castellan’s Caves)
It’s the undergound battle of all time, and just when you thought it couldn’t get any weirder, the Silurians finally get to play their Joker - a tame T-Rex (or is it an Allosaur? Perhaps we’ll call it… a Speleosaur, given that it lives in a cave?). Never mind, the “most fearsome mammal of all time” faces off against the crafty crustaceans.

Zygons versus Judoon (Location: Valley of the Shobogans)
No Jokers in this bout as the Zygons used their Skarasen in the big game, but it might be worth pointing out again (as the Rutan match-up went so well… sigh) that the Judoon are equipped with their handy dandy bio-scanners, so shape-changing may not have the advantage it did last time.

Slitheen versus Krill-traps (Location: Rassilon’s Orangery)
Yes! Another Joker invoked as Rusty’s new monsters go head to head. The Slitheen of course are fast, devious and vicious, while the Krillitanes are fast and vicious AND since their victory over the Tetraps gain their Joker - the better race traits of their last victims. So: quadroscopic vision, poison bites and backwards talking for them then. Will it be enough to tip the balance?

Haemovores versus Vogans (Location: Flavia’s Boneyard)
Did I mention it’s Joker round?
And that the Haemovores have brought the seven-foot tall Ancient One as their big gun? Eek - I can’t watch! Let’s move instead to…

LOWER DIVISION
BRING OUT YOUR LOSERS!

Tetraps versus Primords (Location: Borusa’s Folly)
Will the power of flight and small arms fire be enough to get the Tetraps through this round? Or are the Primords made of tougher stuff than the Tetrap bullets, and force the match to be played on terra firma?

Cryons versus Vervoids (Location: Spandrell’s Storehouses)
Cold-loving ice maidens with guns versus plant-men who probably like north-facing positions and well-drained soil. Will the Cryons be disadvantaged by their setting? Or will the Vervoids turn out to be frost-tender?

Krotons versus Voord (Location: Omega’s Labyrinth)
At this stage things just look too weird with a match-up of these proportions. Cannon-carrying silicates the Krotons meet rubbery saboteurs the Voord, who get to play their Joker - a Voord Leader with telepathic connections (as seen in The Fishmen of Kandalinga). Will empathic links be enough to turn Marinus’ frogmen’s losing streak?

Nimon versus Terileptils (Location: Kellner’s Steppes)
Neither team is ignorant of how it pays to increase your brain-power, both come armed, although the Nimon are the physically stronger group - arguably. However, the Terileptils get to play their Joker, and it’s a weird one. Plague Rats.

And that’s Round Three done. Don’t forget to vote!

Well that has to be it - July 2008 is a dead cert to being the swiftest July on record. Where did it go? Probably stoled. Maybe by Davros and his minions, that scallywag. Anyway, things moved quickly last month, so you may have missed these happenings…

X-TENDED! X-MAS TRAILER! X-CITEMENT!
Hmm. They’re really keeping things under wraps, aren’t they? Anyway, it appears an extra ten seconds or so gives us but a very confident young urchin, the likely companion of the piece, more David Morrissey and an evil Dirvla Kerwin. And Cyber-Wraiths, or robot Taran Beasts or something. Are we excited? Well, lots of this stuff was to be had in the set photos section of the DW Forum (if you could bear the trudge through the squeeing that is). But at the moment? mm. We’ve been disappointed before with a huge build-up. Scare us this time, Mister Davies!

MOST IMPROVED WHO-BLOG?
Why, it’s Kasterborous! We may have bagged them slightly earlier in the year for getting a bit huffy with the more outrageous rumours (and some which came true… ahem), but hey - a new look, lots of intelligent, up-to-date content devoid of the sort of fannish speculation which makes the DW Forum a chore to read these days, and great editorials. We’ve been away a while, but it’s nice to be back. Well done, Christian and Co!

MEANWHILE ON THE DOCTOR WHO FORUM…
Yes yes, that’s two bags full so far in one installment. So what’s got up our goat this month? Apart from the ennui of it all over there with the youngsters and their shipping and squeeing and Janto-ing. Well, nothing outrageous. And maybe that’s the problem. But just as it appears young Rusty gets the gist of hiding spoliers from us (until the inevitable leak to the tabs that is), young fandom runs out of new series facts to talk about and, say, starts to create their own series five. And you get this…

and…

Eee-yikes.

DALEK-MASKED WOULD-BE ABDUCTOR FOILED BY CAR HEADLIGHTS?
Words fail us.

POLISHING UP THE SILVER?
Aaand it’s twenty years now since Silver Nemesis was unleashed onto an unsuspecting world (insert obligatory ‘NZ got an episode before everyone else’ note - Ed.) There’s precious little McCoy left to release, and going by the stories remaining one does get the feeling 2Entertain have their own impressions as to what’s going to sell quickly or not (a clue: Battlefield is next) . Anyhoo - that wouldn’t stop the interested fan from frustrating the forum administrators bringing up the topic of format and version on the Doctor Who Technical Forum. And what a discussion! Special Edition or standard, slightly wonky edition? Add the documentaries, or delete the rubbish bits? Worth a little extra in the budget to give punters the choice via a two version double disc like Fenric and 5 Doctors, or a blight on potential resources for other, probably less-vanilla-bound stories? Phew! Good job it’s not on the schedule yet…

DWM COMIC STRIP FINDS ITS MOJO ONCE MORE.
Now, ’tis true that we’ve been a bit harsh on DWM lately, perhaps not on this blog, but behind the back of the series’ esteemed organ. but to be fair, despite a whole internet of spoiler potentials and interviews and what have you, the Official Magazine sees to be doing alright for itself. Particularly quite recently in the comic strip department. There was a time, your loyal Rapid Returner must confess, when this was the first and sometimes only thing he turned to with the mag in the new series, most other content being either already old by the time it got to these shores, or a bit… fluffy. But we’re loving Rob Davis’ The Widow’s Curse (spoiler-tastic panels here) right now. Lovely artwork by Martin Geraghty, solid nods to the new series’ history, what could well be Donna’s only comic strip outing (we’ll see, maybe) and bets of all a story that seeks to build on the recent past. A one-off monter race gets fleshed-out (if you could say that) is a quite respectful and very effective way.

THE ‘QUEEN’S BUM’ AWARD
As in… we believe it occupies physical space, but we’ve not actually seen proof of its existence. And it goes this month to the Time Meddler DVD. Has anyone actually seen a copy here, let alone bought one? From a terrestrial shop?

Another dawn breaks over the Death Zone and as we survey the carnage of last week’s Monster Mash we see that the winners are absent. Yes, it’s progression to Round Three for the Vogans, Judoon, Macra and Krillitane, with nary a protest from the crowd. The losers of course carry on to meet other losers in a pick-off of the most rubbish.

So to this week then, with eight new teams returning. Let’s meet them again!

Location: The Technodome

 Lizard-men of science! Having lost to the Sycorax last time, the Silurians are in no mood to be the patsy to yet another Johnny-come-lately. They have head-weapons and enquiring minds ready for the Terileptils, one-time Cheetah-bait and wielders of energy weapons and crafty hunting knives. But who will be dissecting whom?

Location: The Crystal Coastline

 It’s a rubber-fetishist’s wildest dream! More crafty knives courtesy of the web-footed Voord, quietly stalking the technological wiles of the Zygons about the Death Zone’s jagged-edge rock pool. This could be a tricky one, and the Zygons don’t have their pet Skarasen to call on this time.

Location: The Windfarm

 You too may not want these in your back yard. The flatulent Slitheen with their great talons and ferocious speed versus the methane-breathing, toxin-injecting Vervoids. Nobody light a match!

Location: The Ragged Heath

 Our final match-up for his round sees a rounding-off of alternative futures for mankind. The Haemovores are out for blood with their claws and teeth, ready for the faithless. The Primords have brute strength on their side, and you probably wouldn’t want to taste what’s inside them. Who wins?

And that’s round two introduced! The winners of this round of course meet round one’s champions, while the losers face-off with their counterparts for the ultimate humiliation. Next round though features Wild Cards for those who didn’t get to play them first round. Don’t miss it!

[At right: another abandoned contender from the first game]